Scuba Funnies

Laugh through your reg at these jokes and crazy stories!

How to fail your Open Water course

• At the end of the dive, challenge your Instructor to a race to the surface
• Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask
• Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath
• Loudly proclaim that safety stops are for weaklings
• Show up with a set of tables based on your own algorithm - “that's WAY better”
• Ask your instructor “which fin goes on which foot?”
• Tell your instructor there's no way you can lift a cylinder with 2000 pounds of air in it
• When your Instructor asks for your dive plan, hand over a bundle of travel brochures
• At depth, when your Instructor gives you the “out of air” sign, hand him/her your snorkel
• When your Instructor signals “low on air” write on a slate that he/she should wait there, you're gonna go get more
• Stare at your reg and ask “which one of these thingys goes in my mouth?”
• If your Instructor mentions Nitrox, tell him/her you're not really into “pro wrestling”

You know you need better buoyancy control when:

• You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at the end of the dive
• You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult to walk on the bottom
• The only place you can hover is at the surface
• On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water
• You use 50 bar for breathing and 150 bar for your BC
• You wear a full wetsuit in the tropics so the coral doesn't cut you as you drag across the reef
• You're certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged three
• You think being neutral in the water means not fighting with your buddy

Shark attack!

Two divers are checking a new reef when they see a shark. The shark circles them menacingly. One diver takes off his fins, reaches inside his BC and pulls out a pair of super-power fins.

His buddy signals: “What? You can't out-swim a shark!”

The first diver signals back: “I don't have to out-swim the shark - I only have to out-swim you!”

How to avoid shark attacks

• Never Leave Doha
• Roll in camel dung before diving - sharks hate anything breaded
• Always dive with a buddy - on shark's approach, point to buddy
• Dive with a briefcase - the shark may mistake you for a lawyer and leave you alone out of professional courtesy

Slating the obvious

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went down another 10 feet, but the guy rejoined him a minute later. The diver went down another 15 feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him again.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, “How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?”

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I'm drowning, you moron!”

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Young attractive male seeks female dive buddy for shared recreation and friendship, must have boat. Please send photo of boat!

Shipwrecked

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he spies a speck on the horizon and thinks to himself, “it's not a ship”. The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “it's not a boat”. The speck gets closer still and he thinks, “it's not a raft”. Then, out of the surf emerges a gorgeous woman wearing a wetsuit and scuba gear!

She walks up to the man and asks, “how long has it been since you last had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!” he replies.

She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it up, has a long drag, blows a smoke ring and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Next she asks, “How long has it been since you last had a drink?”

“Ten years” he replies, “Ten years!”

Reaching over, she unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and passes it to him. He takes a really long swig and says, “Wow, that's fantastic!”

Then she begins to unzip the front of her wetsuit and says “And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?”

And the man cries out, “My God! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too?!”

Stranded

A diver surfaces to find his boat gone, and crawls out of the sea onto a lonely and tropical shore... As he stands up he notices his hands are purple, he looks at his feet and they're purple too! Worriedly he unzips his wetsuit and his chest and stomach are also purple. With his head in his hands he begins to cry, “Oh my God!, I've been marooned!”

You can spot divers by:

• Funny tan lines
• Big watch
• Says “huh?” a lot
• Bad car suspension
• Scars from fish bites
• Expertise with anti-histamines

You can spot old time divers by:

• Funny tan lines
• Big expensive watch
• Deaf in at least one ear
• Bad Jeep suspension
• Multiple scars
• Faded dive gear
• Log Book has a volume number on the cover
• Has cylinders older than you are
• Remembers making their first wet suit
• Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis

You can spot rookie divers by:

• Sunburn
• Timex watch
• Perfect hearing
• Nice car
• No diving related scars
• Equipment looks nice
• Fills in all the blanks in their logbook
• Says “Wow, did you see that?” a lot

Things Instructors say

• “Welcome to the foodchain folks, you're no longer on top!”
• “I'm sorry, but no matter what the store owner said I'm not going to carry all your gear around for you”
• “I see, you just forgot to mention the epilepsy”
• “Yes, I know you were scared, but don't ever bite me again!”
• “What do you mean you always bleed like that?”
• “You don't want to do the buddy breathing because you have what!?”
• “No, this isn't all I do for a living!”
• “Yes, this is what I do for a living...why?”
• “No sir, I really can't explain all the biochemical reactions in the body to hyperbaric stress..”
• “BTW, what did you say you did for a living?”
• “Look, I'm, letting you take the boat trips for free, what more do you want?”

Things Divemasters say

• “I don't care who the hell you are Mr. Cousteau. Everyone does a pool checkout!”
• To a lady carrying her bag onboard: “Can I help you with that miss?”
• To a guy carrying a set of twin 12's onboard: “That looks heavy mate!”
• “You should've been here last week, the visibility was great”
• “You didn't see the whale shark?”
• “This is just my day job. I want to be an instructor and make the big bucks!”
• “Ok, it's 2am, you drive till we get there”

Things store owners say

• “REFUNDS??? We Don't Give No Stinking REFUNDS!!!”
• “As their instructor, they trust you.. so sell like hell!”
• “I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on classes”
• “I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on trips”
• “I can't pay you anymore, you know I don't make money on equipment sales”
• “Sorry about the problem with that cheque”
• “Well, I couldn't find the student certification forms you signed, so I signed them off myself”
• “By the way, did I mention that I had enough certifications now to get my Master Instructor!”
• “Let's see, that will be £3,289...ooops! I forgot the mask clear, that will be £3,292.45!”
• “If I gave you 10% off, I couldn't stay in business!”
• “It's the instructor's fault”
• “Sure, anyone can learn to dive, now what was that problem you had?”
• “Ok, so you're out of the hospital, when can you take another class?”
• “You want a compass...hmmm, you must mean a submersible directional monitor”
• “Sure, I'd love to see pictures of your latest trip (right after you've bought something)!”

Rescue Diver exam - Question 1

Q: You're in a dive boat and one of the divers, an attorney, falls in the sea. What do you throw him to hold on to?

A: An anvil!

Seafood Special

A few members of a local PADI club went diving off the coast, among them a husband and wife who always dived together. On the last dive they got separated. The wife surfaced ok, but her husband was nowhere to be seen. They initiated a search but after a long day and night, it was called off and the wife headed home alone and heartbroken.

The following day the club Diving Officer knocked on her front door and said “I'm really sorry, but I've got some bad news, some good news and some very good news”.

Fearing the worst she said “Give it to me straight, what's the bad news?”

“Well we've found your husband's body” came the solemn reply.

“Oh my God” she wept... After a while she asked “well, what's the good news?”

The Dive Officer excitedly said “You wouldn't believe it, but when we brought him up, we got 2 large crabs and 3 huge lobsters!!!”

After a short pause she asked “So what's the very good new then?”

“Well”, the Dive Officer said, “We're going to bring him up again tomorrow morning!”

Frogman

There was a bar by a lake used by scuba divers and one day a man walked in carrying a cardboard box. He put the box on the bar and ordered a drink. It was quiet, and the bartender was a talkative fellow. He naturally asked what was in the box. The man didn't answer, but opened it and took out a miniature grand piano, then a miniature piano stool, and finally, a little man less than a foot tall, who sat at the piano and started to play the most incredible music you could ever hear.

“He's fantastic!” said the barman, “Where did you get him?”

“Well,” said the customer, “I was diving in the lake when I saw this frog swimming around at about 15 feet, and looking very tired. I took hold of the frog and took him to the surface. The frog seemed very relieved, so I carried him to the shore”.

“When I put him down the frog started to talk! He said he wasn't really a frog, but was in fact a handsome prince turned into a frog by a wicked fairy. And because he had never learned to swim, he wasn't making a very good job of being a frog. And as I had just saved his life, he was going to grant me a wish!”

“Now, the frog did seem to have some difficulty equalising as we surfaced, and it must have affected his hearing, because I told him my wish - and that was how I ended up with a 10 inch pianist!”

You know your buddy is suffering from ‘narcs’ when:

• He keeps staring at himself in your mask
• You find him buddy breathing with a fish
• He pees in his dry suit
• He pees in your dry suit
• His mask fogs underwater and he spits in it
• Your mask fogs underwater and he spits in it
• He looks at you cross-eyed and slurs his bubbles

What Not To Say On A Dive Boat

• “Can I keep this coral your anchor broke off?”
• “Buddy? Oh, did I go down with a buddy?”
• “Can someone lend me a computer, mine keeps flashing 'DECO VIOLATION'?”
• “Does anyone else smell smoke?”
• “What do I do with this bucket of vomit?”
• “Is that your mask under my tank?”